The following is a brief humorous speech given at the National Speakers Association.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me ask you, what’s the one thing we all want most out of life? Happiness, right? Wrong. If I’ve learned anything in all my years as a de-motivational speaker and self-helplessness expert, it’s what people truly want…is to be miserable.

Now some of you may have read my many books like ‘The 7 Habits Of Highly Ineffective People’, ‘The Gentle Art Of Verbal Self-Abuse’, ‘Spanking Your Inner Child’, ‘What Color Is Your Pink Slip?’, ‘First Things Last: The One Minute Procrastinator’, ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Self-Esteem’, ‘Which One Of You Stole My Cheese?’, or perhaps, my bestseller, ‘Chicken Pox For The Soul’.

I’m going to share a little secret. ‘Happiness’ is a lie. Why? Because it leads to being miserable, every time. Think about it. If you don’t get what you want what happens? You’re unhappy. And if you do? Well, soon enough you’re unsatisfied with what you do have and off chasing the next thing to make you “happy”. For too long we’ve been told the Pursuit Of Happiness will eventually lead to Happiness.

It’s time to stop fooling ourselves and face facts.

Now the number of people capable of making life miserable is already enormous, but countless others still need help. Anyone can be unhappy but to make yourself unhappy is a skill that needs be learned and practiced. Being miserable doesn’t just happen. You got to want it “BAD”. You gotta be willing to stomp your feet and cry, “No!” 24-7.

And that’s where my self-helplessness program comes in. ‘The Fifty Life Laws For Being A Miserable Failure’ cuts through the “happiness trap” so you can get down to the “real” business of being miserable. I call them “laws” because they sound very important, almost biblical. So if you break them, you’ll feel guilty!

Let me share a few with you, like…

Life Law # 1: Always Expect Life To Be Fair. The Universe is too big and Life too complicated to ever figure out, so try to control everything, and when things don’t go your way, realize it’s probably someone else’s fault and they really are out to get you.

Life Law # 17: Fill Your Life With Weapons Of Mass Distraction. Watch soap operas, listen to lots of bad pop music, and always compare your self-image to impossible-to-live-up-to media images.

Life Law # 39: Embrace your ‘Inner Victim’. Climb on the Drama Train! Hear the whistle blow “BOO HOO!” Look, it’s the little train that COULDN’T crying, “I think I CAN’T, I think I CAN’T.” All aboard the blue line! You’re taking the red eye to Pitysburg. We’ve got plenty of room for excess emotional baggage, so head on back to the dining car where they’re serving Sad Sack lunches with Poor Boy sandwiches, sour grapes and Spilled Milk.” Next stop Victimville!

And finally, let me leave you with the most important one of all…
Life Law # 50: Recognize the Evils Of Humor. Realize that a just few minutes of heartfelt laughter can ruin decades of hard won misery. A little humor is a dangerous thing, because being a miserable failure is no laughing matter.

Thank You and Good Night!